29 4 / 2013
I’m currently listening to classical music on my boyfriends porch drinking a ten dollar bottle of PG.
Often times I find myself in these crazy creative clouds where I’m thinking 2000 thoughts per minute. I just can’t handle it. Its like they’re all brilliant ideas, but how the hell do I organize them?
I’m seriously thinking I have ADD because when I illegally take adderhol, I actually organize and do work. (When I say do work, imagine a big buff bro-ish guy saying it.)
Any who…I’m open to ideas about how to properly organize my thoughts and later put them to use. I truly think I’m a genius.
17 1 / 2013
It has been quite a while since I have wrote in here. I have been wanting to write, yet I just haven’t felt inspired enough about something to set aside the time to do so.
I am currently visiting my father in Colorado, where I came to resolve the continuing issue in my life of what the heck I am going to do with my future. I guess I still don’t really know, and I’m not sure I ever will. I do know that I am ready to take the step of taking care of myself and living my life without having anyone telling me how to live it. I have given up on the “dream job” and have realized I just need something tolerable to get me by, and to be able to allow me to do the things I love when I am not working. Seems simple enough. But…it is far far from simple. Which is generally how things in my life roll. Complicated.
If you read my last post, you are aware that up until August of last year I was burdened and miserable. After August, I was a wreck and unsure of what my life would be like the next day. Basically living in a dark depressing cloud. Dark. That is the word I always refer to when talking about that stage of my life. It was very, very dark.
However I quickly began creating a plan that I was sure to be the one that would get me out of the dark place I had been hiding. I started to work towards that plan and focused on getting to my new goals. I joined the army reserves, started working out again, and made sure to keep myself in positive company. As quick as I had made my plans, I began feeling alive again. I began smiling and laughing, and was able to FEEL emotions again. The darkness and numbness faded away, and I was building myself back up and discovering who I was again.
The army reserves led me to realize that there was way more to life than what I had known. I only reported to drill twice, but those two weekends allowed me to experience things I loved and…didn’t love, (such as cooking for 200 soldiers. That’s a whole other story in itself).
Unexpectedly I was approached by a tall handsome gentleman after closing formation. I was caught off guard, yet slightly intrigued. I had been holding my guard up since I had my heart broken last, but I figured I would take the chance and see what this gent was all about. Maybe I wasn’t ready to let my guard down, but he definitely was a “ready or not here I come” kind of guy. And I liked it.
I went on a charming first date with him. It was fun, yet quiet. We had just enough conversation, but we were also able to be comfortable in silence and enjoy the fact that we were in each others company. The night went perfect, and when it was over, it had a perfect ending. I was eager to see him again.
We started to hang out more frequently, and continued to go on exciting dates. Shortly after, we became inseparable. When we were apart, he was all I could think about and all I wanted to do was be in his company. Even if it meant watching him play video games or doing nothing at all. Being in his presense made me happy. He made me happy.
We had the same weird sense of humor, and if I were to tell you stories about things we did you would probably be grossed out of think I was a really strange person. We had a crazy connection, and before him, I never thought the feelings that rushed through me when I was in his arms could be real.
We only dated for two and a half months. Which is a short amount of time to consider being close to someone and having futuristic thoughts to most people. Before meeting him and having experienced the emotions I did with him, I would agree. But there is also no doubt in my mind that I had begun to fall in love with him. How could I not? He made me laugh until I cried. He made me melt when he held me close to him. He constantly kissed me and gave me the attention that girls dream of having. He became my best friend and I could no longer picture my life without him in it.
However, every story has an ending. Whether we like it or not. There will always be bumps in the road in every relationship story.
I am going to skip a few pages here and rewind, and then fast foward. After being in the reserves for a few months, I had realized I was screwed over and tricked into the job that I had been working in. I wanted to change my job to something more fitting to myself, and it just wasn’t possible. So I decided that another option would be to join Active Duty. This is a decision I had been pondering before meeting the man that would soon steal my heart.
After going what I went through last year, I promised myself I was not going to allow anyone affect my future ever again. I was going to make decisions for ME and no one else. But what do you do when you unexpectadly fall in love after making yourself those promises? This is where my story becomes confusing.
I went to the Army Career Office today with plans on signing a new contract for Active Duty into the job that I truly wanted, which is 68W. I had the opportunity at my fingertips and there indeed was a job opening. I had the pen in my hand but for some reason I could not sign the papers. If I go Active Duty, it would mean that my heart would be broken. HE, who must not be named, had made it clear our relationship would have to be over if I joined Active Duty. However, he knows how important my future is and how I have been living a lost and confused life for far too long. Shouldn’t he be happy for me? Shouldn’t he be supportive, and be willing to do whatever it takes to be with me?
It is really difficult to try and figure out this equation. However, I have to force myself to take a step back and realize why I am doing this. It’s my life. I have a chance to take control of it and be on my way to success and independance. I need to continue this plan for myself, and do what is best for ME.
I don’t want to lose him. He has made me become a better person, and want to be an even better one. He has reminded me what having fun feels like, and what it’s like to care for someone who genuinely cares for you back. He truly has my heart, and despite his decision to not want to try and make things work with me while I take on a new life challenge, I am not allowing him to give it back.
I firmly believe that life has it’s own way of working things out, as I have said many of times in my past postings. I believe that if things are meant to be, they will be. It sometimes just takes a lot of patience. If this relationship isn’t going to continue while I am on my next adventure, then maybe someday it will resume. I really hope it will.
I don’t just fall in love with anyone, or open up and give me heart away like it’s candy. I am not even sure if my last relationship consisted of love, it was just comfortable because of the circumstances. I do know that I never once felt as much happy, joy, and most of all love, as I have felt in the past 3 months.
With that said, I have come to conclusion that there is no time frame on love, and no stopping it. When there’s a special feeling or connection between two people, it’s going to be there whether we expected it or wanted to find it or not. I have now experienced this folks.
Despite the empty feeling in my heart, and lump in my throat, I have to realize this is another part of life. Another lesson to be learned. Another chance to grow. I am going to remember the happy and joy that these two months brought me, and how far I came from the dark place I was in. Maybe that was the point of him coming into my life? Or, maybe he is in the one I am supposed to be with. Who knows, and only time will tell.
Until then, I’ll lace up my favorite gym shoes, keep my head up and chin high.
C’est la Vie.
24 8 / 2012
23 8 / 2012
09 8 / 2012
Ill start off by saying, this blog was inspired by my world class Idols, Karena & Katrina,(from Tone It Up) and Diana Charabin, (Owner of Tiny Devotions). Thank you girls for daring me to write this blog, and finally let go.
So here I am, 22 (almost 23),single, broke, jobless, homeless, broke, depressed, broke, depressed, and ultimately lost soul. Currently, I am sitting in my sisters spare bedroom/office with my terrorized little kitty, a home made litter box, and an air mattress. All of my clothes and other random belongings are still shoved tightly in my small 12 year old car, and the only thing I have ate in 2 days is a doughnut that my brother in law forced me to eat. Thanks to him, I can now add the word “bloated” to my ever so positive description.
By reading that last paragraph over, I have realized I have become exactly everything I never expected to be when I was 18 and moving to college. By now, I am supposed to be graduated with a career, a national softball title, and a future husband searching for a new house that we will begin a new life in, just like my freshman year roommate. At least that was the plan. I’m not sure it was exactly MY plan, but it was the plan my parents and the rest of the world gave me, and and led me to believe it was mine. So without any discussion, I followed that plan. At least until My 22nd birthday last year.
I am going to rewind here, and bring you back to last summer, where my journey began that led me to this small little room.
I was bartending in a beautiful town called Lake Geneva, at a crazy fun place that all the tourists came to and thanks to me got belligerently drunk. It was great. I made so much money I didn’t even know what to do with it. I had free reign to do basically whatever I wanted. I had money, great friends, a great apartment, and my life seemed pretty fantastic. However, every long-term single girl knows, that deep down we are always wondering when love is going to strike us, and exactly who it will be with. At this time of my life I had never felt love, and even though I had everything else, love was all I wanted.
I always picked to work the outside bar. 1. I cant stand being inside and 2. Outside is ALWAYS more fun. WHO WANTS TO BE INSIDE? It always boggled me why the other bartenders begged to work inside. Anyways, because I worked at the outside bar it meant that the cute bouncers and bar backs always catered to everything I needed since it was all inside. I never really look at cute guys as potential soul mates, it makes me way too nervous. Which is why I was totally blinded by one of the bouncers who literally did everything for me that I asked, before any of the other bouncers had the chance too! Looking back, it makes me giggle :)
His name was Joseph. I didn’t even know that was his name until the day his family came in to the restaurant and sat at my bar! (Now, I am sure you can see where this story is going,but please, for the sake of me just letting it all out, keep reading!) Naturally his family praised him and told me we’d be just perfect together! I was flattered, but again brushed it off and continued to be blinded. At least until I got a text from a co-worker the same night that went something like this:
“Hey, so Joseph thinks your really cute and would like to take you out. He wanted me to give you his number, ###-####.”
Hah. Ohhh the days. Anyways, me being me I of course decided to play games and wait a couple days before I texted him back. When I did, my text was something like this:
“So you don’t even have the balls to introduce yourself and ask me properly on a date and yet expect me to say yes?”
Well, eventually I said yes. So his middle school technique somehow worked.
Anyways, we began dating and it was so much fun. He too had a lot of money then, so we literally did everything we wanted, ALL the time. Our first month of dating was consumed by so many laughs, (and credit card swipes) they quickly became the best days of my life, hands down. We became “official” a month or so after dating, and that was when we started the sleepover/living out of a bag stage. (Living out of a bag sucks, and here I am doing it again. Dammit.) From there, things rapidly progressed. I knew I loved him right away, and imagined our lives in wonderful places together in the far future. I swore to myself and anyone who asked that he was the one. We had so many dreams together and so many wonderful plans,and I can assure you that sleeping on an air matress in the same room as the kitty box like I’m doing now was NOT in them.*sigh*
Come October, the lovely month of so many people I loves birthdays, (including mine and his..which BTW are 3 days apart) was when we unfortunately began arguing. However at this point, it wasn’t because either of us were doing anything wrong. It was because in September when we became official, we had unsafe sex and I unknowingly had an eggo that was preggo which = cranky hormonal woman. My boobs were HUGE and cheetos tasted like heaven…so that part I did not complain about. The mood swings, the stretch marks, the fact that I had a growing little seed in my belly…I totally was not okay with. I was freaked out and frightened.
I wasn’t ready for a baby. I had just began to love someone other than myself,which I don’t think I ever genuinely did love myself, so how was I supposed to love a child? I was still in full mode young 20’s stage. A plan had to be made. Joseph and I initially thought we could work it out, and keep the baby. We knew it’d be hard, but he had a higher paying job lined up, and I at the time was no longer working at the bar,(it was mainly a summer job) but instead working as a daycare teacher. It seemed as if things could potentially work out. However, I always say the Universe has a strange funny way of giving you signs. I had a strong feeling,that did not ever go away, that having a baby was not right. It was not the right time. I had money but not enough to give the baby a good life. I had unpaid bills, (that I still have to this day) and just a lot of baggage that needed to be cleared before I could sincerely have another person in my life. And I now realize, it should have been cleared before I even allowed Joey to get so deep into my life. Yet, at the same time, I definitely did not believe abortion was fair for our mistake, but I also am way too selfish to deal with the pains of pregnancy and give my baby up for adoption. So keeping it, and making it work, was the ONLY way.
I was scared my life. I was scared to tell anyone. I was scared to get fat. I was scared to get pains and to have the on going feeling that I had to pee. I was just flat out terrified. So what did I do? I hid from anything and anyone that ever meant anything to me, and clung on to Joseph even MORE. I moved a majority of my stuff into his house, and basically decided to F everything else. At this point we had only been together for two months. TWO months of knowing someone, and I was preparing the rest of my life to have a family with him. So many emotions were occuring, and other than work, emotions were the only thing that I was dealing with because of my decision to hide. I didn’t go anywhere, and the highlights of my day were going to the grocery store.
November 22nd I lost the baby. As if I wasn’t confused enough about my life. At that point I knew I had to make serious changes, and Joseph and I needed to revamp how we treated each other, because the arguing had to stop. All I wanted was to feel the excitement and happiness we shared together before we found out I was pregnant. Little did I know, we’d never get that back.
From November until yesterday, our relationship became a predictable and vicious cycle. Our days were full of extreme highs, and extreme lows, and when I say extreme, multiply what you visualize times 100. We said and did everything in the book to bring each other down as much as we could. We screamed, threw things, said the nastiest things to each other, had ZERO trust, always assumed the worst, and even began to get our parents involved. We continued to fight as if I was still a crazy pregnant lady. Damage was being done to each other every single day. Painful, hurtful, cruel damage. Yet we couldn’t let go. Anyone who knew me before last summer, would tell you no…that’s not Kayla. It wasn’t me to be honest.
The moment my parents became aware of how much Joseph and I had started fighting, they immediately began pushing me to move out. But every time I tried, the feeling I felt being away from Joseph was so unbearable that I ran back to him in less than 24 hours. I never really knew how Joseph’s family felt. He told me they loved me, and they never seemed to be forceful about us separating, but I think all along they knew that the situation was becoming evil for everyone. No one likes to be involved in other people’s sorrows, and eventually hearing about them gets old, especially when neither of us took any advice from any one.
From there, I went further into isolation and barely talked to anyone in my family anymore. I didn’t want them to know how horrible my life had become, and how unhappy I was at times when we were fighting. When I talked to them, I never had much to say anyways. I didn’t have to say anything though. My feelings reflected in my voice and lack of energy, (that I used to never run out of).
So at this point I had no friends or family to run to when things were difficult. (Oh, did I mention that one of my unpaid bills included a parking ticket that I ignored for so long, I now don’t have my license. As in…I still do not. So go ahead and add that to my flattering description, (see sentence 1 paragraph 1).
Even if I wanted to I couldn’t leave our apartment. I was trapped, and I knew it. I just didn’t do anything about it….until yesterday.
Joseph took care of me throughout our whole relationship, and despite our verbally abusive arguments, he’d do anything for me if I asked him to. I truly believe and know he is capable of many wonderful things. I know I am too, but sometimes two good people together turn into poison for no reason at all other than it simply wasn’t meant to be, and some higher power was trying to prove it to us.
Two days ago Joseph came home from work and my eyes opened a little bit. I realized that at this point, our “good” times weren’t even good anymore. They were just silent and dull, and we both were constantly tiptoeing on eggshells. We had lost our spark, and had become lifeless. Throughout our relationship I had repeatedly went from working 30-40 hours a week to maybe 10. I went through so many jobs I can’t even name them all. I realize that I was so depressed, when anything too hard occurred it scared me and seemed unbearable to pile on top of what I was already feeling. So I’d run away…just like I ran from my friends and family who told me how unhealthy my life was. I love Joseph, and I wasn’t going to lose him for anything, even if that meant to sacrifice my own happiness.
Back to 2 days ago, it came to me that I just had enough. I wanted to be with my friends and have real conversation with people again. I wanted to chase dreams, and repair some damage in my life on my own. I couldn’t be held back anymore, it was time.
That night I went out with some of my friends, and I stayed the night in Whitewater, (the town I ran away from in October). I danced, caught up with old friends, met new friends, and had a great time. If Joseph had been there, I’m not sure I would have. I’m sure one of us would have found something ridiculous to bicker about, and eventually would have let to an ugly argument.
After the night was over I went back to my girlfriends house to hunt for food and change into pajamas. I looked at my phone, and had numerous nasty messages from Joseph because I hadn’t called him to check in yet. I had full intentions to check in once I was snuggled in bed, and I was going to tell him about all the funny things that had happened while visiting my friends. That plan quickly was pushed aside. I can’t even tell you how our conversation was, however considering I was drinking I am sure it wasn’t pleasant. I eventually went to bed for maybe 2 hours, and woke up to even more hurtful messages.
It was almost like I knew this was going to happen before I left to go to my friends, and in a way I feel like I subconsciously did it on purpose to give me that last good reason to escape the horrible situation we had buried ourselves in for almost a year now. That morning, which was yesterday, Joseph had told me to move out as soon as I got home, and that he didn’t want to see me.
I wasn’t quite in tears yet, just angry. I didn’t do anything wrong except not call on time, and the way he was treating me and talking to me was somehow deserving over a stupid phone call. Honestly, I was drunk, I hadn’t even looked at the time since I arrived in Whitewater. I had no idea it was “too late”. So it truly caught me off guard when it was all happening, even though it shouldn’t have. This has happened before.
Jessi dropped me off back at our house in Lake Geneva, and I began gathering my most important things and pack them in whatever I could find that I was able to put stuff in. The tears started to fall, and I once again was having an emotional break down. I didn’t want to leave. I love Joseph so much and life without him seems so scary and foreign, but I knew it had to be done. I couldn’t go on fighting the way we did any longer, and I needed my family and friends. If I stayed with Joseph, it meant that my life would never change. I may have never been given the chance to feel happiness again.
Joseph finally came home from work, and had cooled off from the steam enough to have an adult conversation with me and say our last goodbyes. I told him I didn’t want to argue, I didn’t want to bring up anything that made us upset, I just wanted to be civil, and be able to kiss him for the last time and let him know how much I truley loved him, and how I always will.
I’ll never forget the feeling I felt when he was holding me at that moment. It was a rush of peace, love, forgiveness, and growth at all once. We both knew it was time for us to part ways and find ourselves again. If we ever wanted to be happy again we had to give each other space to get on our feet, and get our own lives back. No more fighting. No more abuse. No more tears. From there on out, everything we were going to do in our lives would be things to benefit our future, and to better ourselves. Abuse doesn’t fit in our lives anymore.
Its been exactly 24 hours since I have seen Joseph. I’ve cried for 20 of them.
I miss him so much. I love him so much. All I want to do is go back to the point where we started to lose our flame, and fix whatever it was that put it out. I just want to be with him, and feel his touch. I know it all sounds so cliche, and I used to make fun of people who said things like that. I don’t care though, I just want to be with the man that made me realize what love is. I will never stop loving him.
From here on out, Joseph and I decided we had to both focus on ourselves and our own personal goals. I moved out and into my sisters, (for now…I really have no idea at this point what I am going to do) and I am going to soon be back into school and find a good job that can help me get back on my feet. I always hear the saying “time heals” and know I fully understand what that means. I’m crying because I am without Joseph, and I am hurting because I miss him. But at least I am no longer crying as a result of an abusive fight, or over something absolutely senseless.
Its time for me to find myself, and fill out my future. It’s going to take time, and it’s going to take me toughing out a lot of uncomfortable situations, but the abuse is over. I have the chance to chase dreams again.
So here it goes.
My father is in the army. My grandfather was in the army. I have always been a fighter and I have always been in physically good shape. I have the urge to be apart of a strong, positive, uplifting team and feel that bond again. I’ve played sports my entire life up until this last year and I’ve always pushed myself over the limit when it comes to competition. Being a leader is in my blood. Success and determination is in my blood. Fighting for freedom is in my blood. My freedom.
On the 18th of this month, as in next weekend, my mother is driving me to Colorado where my father is currently stationed. Moving to Colorado has always been a dream of mine. I am going to stay in my dad’s 600 square foot studio cottage that is less than 30 feet from his front door, and join the Army Reserves. I may even join full time. (One step at a time here..) I am going to overcome battles, and be put in numerous situations that will be uncomfortable. When it is all said and done, I will be free from headaches and sadness. I will have a sense of purpose again. I will eventually laugh again. I will finally go back to school and finish my last 3 semesters. I will be a leader. A role model. A hero. All of the things I’ve ever wanted for myself, this is the chance for me to get it.
I firmly believe Joseph is a wonderful man full of love and has so much to give to this world, and so much more to see and learn about. I will always love him, and from this point I have thrown away the bad memories and am only going to remember the laughs and good times that we were always so full of. It’s time for us to chase dreams, and as I said before the Universe has a funny way of working things out. If we’re meant to be, we will be together again. We will laugh again, and we will learn from this to never want anyone we love to hurt and feel sad. This is a new beginning. I know that even though now I am in more pain that I have ever been in my entire life, things will get better and time will heal all of the damage that has been caused.
I love you Joseph. But it’s time to live our lives and be selfish. It’s time to put yourself first, and it’s time for me to do the same.
“It’s not about how you fall, it’s about how you get back up.”
So now I am going to wash my face, and look at myself in the mirror and force a smile. I am on my way to being me. I am on my way to being happy again, and I will find the power to be stronger than ever.
Army Strong. Daddy and Grandpa, this one’s for you.
*if you re-read this post, all of the words in bold are words that have helped me realize I am doing what is best for me. Xo.*
19 7 / 2012
18 7 / 2012
17 7 / 2012
15 7 / 2012